Clowns

by joey heins

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about

Clowns is based off of a feeling I call “comfortable loneliness”. As Kurt Cobain sings in Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle; “I miss the comfort in being sad”; there’s great ease that comes with misery.

For example, an alcoholic is faced with the choice of a family gathering or staying in their dwelling, or perhaps going out to drink. Though the family gathering is likely to garner a sense of community and belonging while drinking will only worsen the alcoholic’s issues, in the short-term, it’s far easier to drink alone than to partake in the gathering. A feeling of victimization, sorrow for oneself can overtake the healthy, motivated feeling of wanting to better oneself.
Apply this to loneliness; I struggle deeply with knowing that my friends and family are there for me as community, support, and nourishment. However, I’ve become so self-absorbed through a variety of factors, perhaps living alone and making so much music alone, that I’ve come to frequently write off my loved ones without hesitation. It’s simply more comfortable to be alone.

Like many of my songs, I wrote it completely on the bass before bringing in other instruments; something I do to ensure that chords and overall structure feel right, and that I’m not tricking myself into liking something just because a synth sound, or guitar tone I’ve gotten is cool, or fun.

Every song needs an identity; often times the bassline holds the identity for my music. Clowns is groovy, catchy, yet simple. Upbeat, the lyrical theme details my constant struggle with comfortable loneliness; which, on a simple level, can be akin to I’d rather stay in tonight than hang with my friends, socializing is too much for me.

For some reason, that instance of “tonight” is every night. I get exhausted from even minor interactions with people I know that I love, but my brain is telling me to hate. Often during conversation, despite purposeful immersion in the moment, I feel as if I’m existing on a different wavelength than the other party.

I love myself too much. I know how to have a good time with myself; be it cooking, creating music, writing, riding my bike, walking and smoking a spliff; there’s just so much to do and to notice! How can I even begin to think about meeting up with a friend later when I have three new musical ideas to get out, ravioli to press, and cavatelli to roll? How come every time I do decide to go out and enjoy the presence of others, I instantly regret it? Most of all, how do I manage to be lonely considering my comfort in solitude?

Mass emotional confusion and frustration plagues me daily, so I connect with this song quite a bit. After all, I did write it. I hope you connect with Clowns as well.

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released September 1, 2022

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joey heins Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

i make electronic alternative music, and fresh pasta in Philadelphia, PA.

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